


I'm a Freak (Love Me Anyway)

by GlitterAndDoom



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-09
Updated: 2011-06-09
Packaged: 2017-10-20 06:41:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/209844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GlitterAndDoom/pseuds/GlitterAndDoom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Adam, depression is a soul-sucking bitch."</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm a Freak (Love Me Anyway)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [axumun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/axumun/gifts).



> Written for a glam_kink prompt: "Adam/OMC - Adam falls for someone with some kind of mental condition (including, but certainly not limited to: ADHD, Asperger's, autism, or even the mental/physical type such as depression or insomnia).
> 
> Realistic-ness would be love, so of course, I would preferrably want the author to have some experience with someone who lives with any of these conditions and know what it's like; know how any of them affect one's life, actions, etc. Add whatever spin you want on it."
> 
> The OMC in this fic deals with depression, and I tried to show both the darker, emotional side and the lighter, still-a-person side. I initially posted this on LJ with a sockpuppet account because the personal nature of the fic made me want some anonymity. Then, I changed my mind.
> 
> Warnings: Discussion of depression, discussion of thoughts of suicide, profanity. Written in non-linear/non-chronological order.
> 
> Special thanks to the lovely [](http://inoru-no-hoshi.dreamwidth.org/profile)[**inoru_no_hoshi**](http://inoru-no-hoshi.dreamwidth.org/) for looking at this for me. ♥

After Mick told him, Adam bought a few books on depression. Mick made him take them back.

"Books are useless for this, babe. Just watch and learn."

So, he did.

(But he spent many hours researching online, too. Just in case.

And Mick probably wouldn't find the ebooks.)

***

_"I'm so tired of everything."_

_"Even me?"_

***

"I just need you to be here." Mick finally dared to look at him, desperate, fragile, and Adam dared, too, to reach out and rest a hand on his shoulder. "Don't pity me, don't pretend you understand—fuck knows I don't—don't..."

Adam didn't let him finish, just wrapped his arms around Mick and silenced him with a soft kiss. He could feel Mick shaking, could feel every shuddering breath. He held on tighter, kissed harder, hoped like hell he showed what he couldn't say.

When they finally broke apart, Adam whispered, "I'm here." For the first time in weeks, Mick smiled.

***

Mick left love notes everywhere. Post-Its on the bathroom mirror, poems—some by others, some his own—on the refrigerator, quotes on notecards stuck in shoes, lipstick kisses in black and blue and purple on coffee mugs, and stickers and surprises hiding anywhere Adam might look.

Adam kept them all.

***

Sometimes they seemed perfect for each other—they had since the beginning. Mick was a singer, too, a fucking awesome singer. He was funny and clever and beautiful, so beautiful, with rich brown eyes and a brilliant smile that matched his joy for life.

That wasn't the first thing Adam noticed about him, but it was close. "You look like you're happy all the time," he told Mick later, and Mick laughed.

"I wish," he said, and traced a line down Adam's bare chest with his fingertips.

"Are you happy now?" Adam asked.

"Yeah." Mick smiled again. "Yeah, I think so."

***

_"I don't think I could ever get tired of you, Adam."_

***

The fans didn't like Mick. Well, some of them didn't.

Mick didn't need to know that.

"Stay off Twitter," Adam told him. "I mean it. It's ridiculous. Keep up with me on Facebook instead."

He wasn't surprised when Mick didn't listen. "I hate Facebook." Mick shrugged, and, with a sigh, Adam followed @MickNomsUrMom.

Mick thought the shitstorm was hilarious, but that didn't keep Adam from scolding and chastising his "fans."

"I kinda like these people calling you 'Professor Glampants,'" Mick said, propping his feet on the arm of the couch. "Gotta keep those rowdy Glambert kids in line."

Adam scowled.

***

"Shit, Adam," Mick said, staring up at him with wonder from beneath the covers, "you suck more at sleeping than I do. C'mere."

Adam glared halfheartedly, but crawled back into bed anyway and let Mick pull him into his arms. Then, Mick tried to sing him to sleep, humming a soft, sweet love song.

He was out long before Adam, hopefully unaware of how much Adam worried.

***

"It's swallowing me again," Mick told Dr. Shelley. "I'm gonna lose him. He's so much better than me, and..."

"Why is he better than you? Or are you automatically thinking that?"

"He's _Adam Lambert!_ He's..."

"He's still a person. And you said he's called you special, and that he's said you make him happy?" Mick nodded. "But your automatic response is to not believe it."

"Why should I believe it?"

"Why shouldn't you?"

Mick had no answer for her. Still, he said, "He'll leave me. They always do."

"But you should still try saying to yourself, 'Maybe this one won't.'"

***

_"Are you gonna get out of bed?" Mick shook his head, and Adam slid back under the covers beside him. "Okay."_

_"You can't stay with me forever. You have..."_

_"For now."_

***

Sometimes, they were a match made in Hell.

Then, Adam handed Mick a towel for the spilled wine and broken glass, and Mick kissed the inside of his wrist, a silent apology. "I just wish..." Adam shook his head. "Sorry. I know you can't...fix this, but..."

"I'm trying." Mick dropped the towel and got to his feet, and Adam pulled him into his arms. "But..." Mick swallowed. "What if I really _am_ a bastard?"

Adam winced. "I didn't mean..."

"You can't forgive me for everything."

Running his fingers through Mick's hair, Adam said, "But I can forgive you for this."

***

_"I just wanna be happy," Mick whispered. "That's all. Is that too much to ask?"_

***

Adam couldn't have missed the guy if he'd tried. Sure, he was tiny, but _gorgeous,_ with big, dark eyes, a bright smile, and...

"Dude," Adam laughed, "your fucking _hair_."

The purple-haired man grinned. "I know. Cool, huh?" Adam held out the drink he'd bought. The man took it. "I'm Mick." He took a careful sip of the cocktail, and Adam noticed Mick's hands were shaking. "And you're Adam Lambert."

Mick kissed like he looked, passionate and wild and vibrant, with soft swipes of tongue and sharp rasps of teeth as he took Adam _in_. He spent the night, and the next, and the days and weeks after that, then suddenly said, "I don't know if I can handle this," as he made coffee one morning.

Adam froze in the doorway, then took a deep breath and said, "You don't have to stay," and ignored the sharp twist in his chest. "I don't blame you if you don't wanna deal with the paps or the fans or..."

"No, it's not..." Mick looked away, swallowing hard, and Adam waited. Finally, Mick spoke again, so softly Adam almost didn't hear. "I don't know if _you_ can handle this."

"What?" Adam blinked in confusion. "What do you..."

"I'm crazy." Mick said. "Like, _really_ crazy."

Adam started to joke, to say, " _I already knew that,_ " but Mick kept talking.

"I have depression. It's...bad." He shrugged, and couldn't meet Adam's eyes. "Figured you should know."

Adam got up, and Mick flinched, like he was waiting for a blow or, worse, for Adam to leave. Instead, Adam wrapped his arms around Mick's slim waist, and kissed him on the cheek. "I can handle it. Or I can try."

"I'm not happy all the time. You're Mr. Positive, and I..." Mick swallowed again. "I get sad or scared or angry—God, I get so fucking _angry—_ and I...some days I can't leave the house. Shit, some days I can't even leave the bed. I cry—a lot. I even..." He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "Some days, I hate myself and everything else so much that I just wanna die."

The twisting ache in Adam's chest grew tighter, until it twisted his throat and burned his eyes. "Oh, _honey_...I don't..."

"I'm in therapy. I'm gonna have to go on meds again soon. I...I'm _sick_ , and it's bad, and it's never going away, and I don't want you to feel like you have to keep me or stay or whatever." He ran his fingers through his hair. "Adam, depression is a soul-sucking bitch. You should know what you're getting into."

He wasn't used to people warning _him_ away, not anymore. Still, he pulled Mick even closer, and he took one of Mick's hands in his, entwining their fingers together. "I'm not going anywhere," he said, and squeezed Mick's hand. "I'm staying."

Mick heaved a soft sigh and sank back in Adam's arms. "Thank fuck," he breathed. "I really like you." He squeezed back. "You make me happy."

Adam didn't know how much that meant to Mick, but to him, it meant everything.

***

"You're always so passionate. I still can't believe you..."

"I have to live as much as I can, when I can." Mick kissed him. "Never know when it's gonna hit me again."

Adam didn't have to ask what "it" was.

***

Not long after they got together, Mick lost his job. He'd been there for years, one of the company's best programmers, but the bad days and the bad economy added up, and soon, he was out the door.

"I'm not gonna be a freeloader," Mick said, and Adam sighed. "I've got money, I don't want..."

"You're not. You're just...let me help you." He handed Mick a cup of tea, and he sat down beside him and began rubbing his thigh through the blanket. "Whatever you need."

Mick shook his head, and sat the tea on the bedside table. "I'm _useless_ now. And I don't think I can handle looking for another job right now."

"Then look for another band. You love to sing, and you're _good_. You should..."

"I don't want you pulling strings for me."

"Okay." Adam nodded. "But let me give you what you need, then, okay? Please?"

***

Mick was the kind of person who seemed to fit with everyone. Adam's friends liked him, Adam's family liked him, Adam _adored_ him. Mick liked to joke, liked to tease, but he was smart, too, and charming, and absolutely _ridiculous_.

Adam doubled over with laughter as Mick strutted into his mom's living room in the most godawful pirate costume Adam had ever seen, for no reason at all. "You're crazy," he said, then remembered. He clamped his mouth shut. "Oh _shit._ I didn't mean..."

"Shut up." Mick leaned in and licked his nose. "I'm having fun. Have fun with me."

***

The silence scared Adam.

He hadn't heard from Mick since the night he'd lost his job. No texts, no tweets, no visits, no calls. He'd turned his phone off, had turned all his lights off, refused to answer the door...

"Mick, _please_ ," he murmured, quietly begging whoever or whatever was listening to make Mick open the door. "Please, please, _please_..."

Finally, Mick answered, and he stared at Adam with dead eyes. "Why are you here? Why would you want..." And then he began to cry, and Adam pulled him into a hug and guided him back into the apartment. "I hate this," Mick whispered. "I hate it, I hate it, I hate it."

Adam nodded. "I know, baby." He kissed the top of Mick's head. "I know."

"I'm just so fucking useless. I don't know why you're here. Why you even bothered..."

Adam shushed him gently. "I'm here 'cause I care, remember? 'Cause I lo..."

"Don't say it!" Mick pulled away and wrapped his arms around himself. "Don't fucking say it! I'm nothing but a stupid idiot and a miserable fuck up! How the fuck could you love..." He sank down on the couch and sobbed, burying his face in his hands. "I don't know how much more of this I can take. Everything always goes wrong, and I..."

"No, baby." Adam sat down next to him and pulled him into his arms. "No. Things will get better. You'll..."

"Fuck you." Mick jerked away. "Know how many times I've heard that? How many times I've heard 'it gets better' or 'you'll get over it' or 'everything's fine' or other shit like that? God, I'm sick of it. I wish all you people would shut the fuck up and stop _lying_ to me. Now go." Adam started to protest, but Mick got up from his seat and pointed at the door. " _Go._ "

 _Be patient with him_ , Adam told himself, gritting his teeth. "Okay." He stood, and he started toward the door, then stopped to say, "If you need anything, well...you have my number." Mick glared. "Love you."

When he stepped outside, he leaned back against the closed door and took a deep breath, trying to calm his frazzled nerves. Then, he called Danielle and went home, and settled in with his best friend, a carton of ice cream, and a shitty, sappy movie. Just as he was about to rail at her about Mick, his phone buzzed with a text from him. _I'm a jerk_ , it said, followed by a :(. _I'm sorry_. Adam sighed heavily, and he leaned against Danielle's shoulder. "I don't know what to do with him," he began, and told her everything—about the fights, about the love, about the depression...

She wrapped an arm around him and patted him softly. "You love him?" Adam nodded. "Is he worth it?"

Adam thought about that for a moment, then nodded again. "Yeah, he is. He just...God, he hurts so much, and there's nothing I can do, and he won't tell me how..." Then, he remembered— _I just need you to be here—_ and he groaned.

Danielle raised her eyebrows. "What?"

Adam shook his head, and he got off the couch and started toward the door. "I need to go back over there," he said. "He doesn't need me to do anything. He just needs _me_."

This time, he only had to knock once before Mick yanked open the door and flung himself into Adam's arms.

***

_"I wish I had your family." Mick sighed, and Adam pulled him closer._

_"You do."_

***

Somehow, he texted Mick about his migraine before he collapsed into bed. He buried his head beneath the pillows, trying to smother the stabbing sound of his breathing—or, hell, _himself_. His stomach churned, his head—God, his _head_. All that mattered was his fucking _head_ , screaming no matter how much he begged and cried and tried.

He got sick. To his surprise, cool hands brushed the hair from his face as he retched, and rubbed soothing circles over his back, then slipped under his shirt and rubbed his belly as they stumbled back to his room. "You don't need to worry about me." Adam groaned, and he sank back onto the bed. "It's nothing."

Mick shushed him, and sat behind him. "You take care of me." He urged Adam's head into his lap, then began massaging his scalp. Adam whimpered and curled up in a ball. "I'll take care of you."

***

_"I'm a freak." Adam's heart broke, while Mick held up the box of hair dye like what he'd said meant nothing. "Might as well look like one."_

_"You're not a freak." But Mick wasn't listening._

***

Adam was everything he'd ever wanted. Adam radiated joy—pure, overwhelming, genuine positivity—no matter what. And Adam _cared_. "It's a bad day," was all Mick would have to say, and Adam would come over with a cup of tea and a warm, engulfing hug. Adam made him laugh, even when it hurt. Adam made him _feel_ , even when he was numb. Adam was gorgeous and special and fucking extraordinary, and, God, he was gonna fuck it up, wasn't he?

"It's not fair," Mick told Dr. Shelley. "He's perfect, and he loves me. So why the fuck am I not happy yet?"

***

"I want you to go with me." Adam toyed with Mick's hair, now peacock blue, while Mick trailed across his chest. "I wanna show you off."

"Why?"

"'Cause you're beautiful," he replied, and he tilted Mick's chin and softly kissed his lips. "And I'm happy."

"You said it was work. Said the Grammys..."

"I'm not gonna win." He twisted strands of Mick's hair around his fingers. "But I want you there if I do. I love you."

Mick froze. "I don't know why."

"You're you. We fit. Please?"

Mick was silent. Adam thought he'd say no. Instead, he said, "Okay."

***

MickNomsUrMom Mick Norton  
@adamlambert Heyyyyyyy sexay! Look who's on Twatter now! ♥♥♥

MickNomsUrMom Mick Norton  
@adamlambert Like my avi? Using it just for you!

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
@MickNomsUrMom You suck at listening hahah!!!

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
@MickNomsUrMom Cute

MickNomsUrMom Mick Norton  
@adamlambert That's not the only thing I suck... >:P #incorrigible Love you. ♥

MickNomsUrMom Mick Norton  
@adamlambert ...Cute? My ass is just cute? #bitchPLEASE

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
@MickNomsUrMom Hahahah! :D Love you!!!!!

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
@MickNomsUrMom You're worse than my lovely fans! #sexyness

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
Yes, @MickNomsUrMom IS my boyfriend.

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
And, yes, @MickNomsUrMom tweeted that. And this. Adam uses more exclamation points and misspells more words. #trufax

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
And Adam doesn't tweet this much, either. - @MickNomsUrMom

MickNomsUrMom Mick Norton  
@adamlambert Quit taking my phone!!!!!! -A

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
@MickNomsUrMom Give me a good reason.

Adam got his phone back, and neither of them tweeted for a week after that. The fans started to worry, and Mick was far too smug about the spanking.

***

Some days, he and Mick would talk for hours, bantering back and forth like nothing was wrong, laughing and loving and living. Some nights, they were quiet, comfortably quiet, at ease in each other's company and arms as they ate dinner and cuddled and enjoyed each other's bodies.

Then, there were the other silences, some cold and angry, others icy and painful. He could see the hurt in Mick's eyes—Mick could never hide his emotions, not from Adam. He wore his heart and his hurt on his sleeve, and Adam longed to make it okay. Sometimes, he could.

Only sometimes.

***

_"Nerdy vampire rock," Mick said, and introduced Adam to the other members of his new band. "We're gonna kick ass."_

_Adam couldn't stop laughing. Then, he heard them play. "Holy shit. That's sick!" he told them, and they grinned._

_"Told you so," Mick said, and Adam stuck out his tongue._

***

 _Mick was right_ , he thought, downing another burning shot of tequila. Adam couldn't handle it.

" _Maybe if you **tried** ,_" he'd said. " _Maybe if you got up and—_ "

" _You don't fucking **get it!**_ " Mick screamed, and Adam shrank back, not used to the rage in Mick's voice. " _You're happy, you're famous, you're fucking **perfect—**_ "

Adam barely dodged the pillow Mick flung at his head, and he threw up his hands. " _Sorry I give a fuck_ ," he spat, and stomped out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

As soon as he got home, he turned off his phone and began drowning himself in a bottle of tequila. He _tried_. He tried to understand, he tried to help, he tried to be there, but goddammit, if Mick wouldn't help himself...

He was so drunk he didn't know someone else was in the kitchen until a stack of papers were thrown down in front of him. He squinted blearily at them, and Mick said, "Copies of all my therapy shit. I don't even fucking know how much stuff's there, but if you think I'm not trying..." Adam gaped at him, and Mick shook his head and let out a bitter laugh. "Who the fuck am I kidding?" he said, and picked up the papers again. "You don't believe me, either."

"Mick, I—"

"Go back to your life, Adam." Mick threw something else down—a key. The key to Adam's house. Fuck. "You don't need me, and I sure as fuck don't need you."

***

"I wrote you a song," Mick said, after Adam lost the Grammy again. Adam's face lit up, all of his spark rushing back.

"Really?"

"Mm-hm. Gonna come hear me sing it tomorrow night?" Adam had plans with Danielle, but...

He couldn't finish his thought with Adam kissing him like that.

***

_"I don't think it's too much to ask." Adam wiped away the tears with his thumb. "I want you to be happy, too."_

***

"I do believe you. I'm an idiot, and I'm sorry."

Mick looked at him with raw, red eyes, then held out an arm and beckoned him closer. Adam placed his key on the dresser, then took a deep, shuddering breath. The air hung heavy between them, thick with tension, electricity, and hurt. He trudged through it, each step easier and harder than the last, and he climbed into bed and pulled Mick into his arms. "I'm sorry," he said again, and kissed Mick's damp cheeks. "I'm so fucking sorry."

"Me too," Mick whispered, and buried his face against Adam's chest.

***

One night, he found Mick at the kitchen table, staring at bottles of pills and cough syrup and liquor. "What are you—"

"I saw my dad." Mick turned to him with a bitter smile. "He says I'm a liar. Says I'm making this," he waved between them, "up, too, even though I showed him the pictures."

"And you're..." Adam swallowed, and he tried again. "You're not going to..."

"I'm not." Mick shook his head. "It's usually first thing on my mind when I talk to him. He's never gonna love me, so I think I should..." He pushed the bottles closer together, the pills rattling inside, and shook his head again. "Everyone says I'll be okay, and...I think I may believe it."

Finally, Adam breathed. "You will be," Adam insisted. "You'll be okay. I'll make sure of it."

"Yeah." Mick got up, and pulled Adam into a hug. "We will."

***

It didn't take long for Mick to fall into that first depression. He just hoped Adam could weather the storm.

But he didn't believe it.

***

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You don't get to pick who I date!

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
I love you all soooooooo much, but it's MY life!!!!!!

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
You don't have to like @MickNomsUrMom. But please respect him.

adamlambert Adam Lambert  
And go check out @MickNomsUrMom's AMAZING music video!!!!!!

MickNomsUrMom Mick Norton  
@adamlambert Link fail, babe. ♥

MickNomsUrMom Mick Norton  
I fucking love @adamlambert for putting up with my crazy ass! ♥

***

_"You're cute," he told Mick. "Wanna come home with me?"_

_"Not even trying to be subtle?" Adam laughed, and Mick got up and took his hand. "I'll be the cliché, then: your place or mine?"_

_"I just said..."_

_"So? I could've said, 'If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?'"_

***

"I don't deserve any of this."

"You deserve to be happy."

"That's not what I..." Mick bit his lip. "How long are you gonna put up with me?"

"As long as you want me."

"I'm not perfect."

"Who is?"

"I'm not easy to deal with."

"Who is?"

"I'm..."

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" Adam crossed his arms and glared.

"I'm...you don't need the stress, and..."

"If I wanted someone easy to deal with, I wouldn't've gone after a guy with purple hair."

"I'm fucked up."

"But not broken."

Mick was silent for a moment. "No, I'm not."

***

_"We'll be okay, won't we?"_

_Adam nodded. "Yeah, we will."_


End file.
